Who am I? And while I'm at it how about saying I bet we have something in common.

For a girl who makes a lot of noise on the internet from social media platform to social media platform. I sure am a nobody! All the affirmation(ers) of the world probably just choked on their spit and got angry! I can hear them now! 

This! 

This is what you're not to be doing! 

oh, in some way, I can agree with that. But I'm the type who likes to challenge the narrative people have created. 

For the last 22 years I could see an enormous need among my fellow humans in every culture, in every city, in every state -even when I traveled to the island of Jamaica a couple of times, I'd noticed...

People want nothing more than loved. 

I know some of you may disagree with me at first. But give me 10 mins of your reading time to explain before you come to any conclusion.

First, you may be asking. 

What's this got to do with who she is? 

I'm glad you asked. Please, allow me to explain both of these concepts because they are interchangeable. It may be, this resonates with you. If not, I can assure you there's some positive insights to walk away with that will add value to even the most successful people today.

If you noticed, the blog is titled "Carmen's Loved". UPDATE: It was. I changed it recently to "ironic". I'm still keeping what I stated previous to that name change and I may come back and add to this. Who knows?

I struggle -still to this day- with this title. Consistently thinking, I need to change this. Yet, I stop myself each time I log in. Simply because I don't want to ever forget what I learned from the day I developed this blog to the day I log in -like today, for example. 

Why I chose the title "Carmen's loved" wasn't actually something I understood at the time -which was about a decade and a half or more ago. 

Creating this blog, I'd spent a lot of time in my head thinking about my future. As a mother of three it entailed college, cars, and money to help them boost into their adult lives. It also included a little about me. I merely wanted to be making it, and if everyone loved me, I'd be making it. 

Or so I thought... 

Making ends meet and providing those things for my children -that my family couldn't provide for me when I reached the age I was allowed to be out on my own -that is all that I needed. 

But I was completely out of touch with myself. 

Now that I look back. There's this clear-cut understanding that took me so very long to "get".  Funny thing though, I'd never really considered if it were possible to not make it happen. Deep down inside I always felt, I'm going to make it.

When I fell flat on my face. I wasn't expecting it! 

Oddly, if I'd been taught healthy ways of living. I'd probably had made alternative options for the just-in-case, or even better, I'd been in touch with the subconscious side of myself which would've enabled me to realize. I didn't need money. 

I actually needed love.  

My subconscious mind was screaming! I need love -which, maybe this is why I automatically assumed. I was loved. While my conscience mind was saying. I need money. 

At no point in time did I believe I needed someone to love me. It was automatic for me. I knew inherently everyone loved me. But that couldn't be further from the truth! How far removed from reality I was. (hand on face) To top it off, the evidence was overwhelming! Why else would I have made the name of one of my blogs, Carmen's loved? 

Who was I convincing? Furthermore, why didn't I have the slightest clue as to why I named the blog the name I gave it?

Let me keep it real. 

Quite frankly, no one loved me. They only loved. What I could do for them. The moment I couldn't do, whatever it was they needed, I was no longer useful to them.

Everyone needs love. Even those who want nothing more than money. That's why most celebrities go as far as selling their souls to satan for money. On stage, they're praised. On stage, they're recognized. Oddly, once they come off stage -and the praise or recognition isn't right there in front of them- reality begins to sink in. The Huffpost.com did an article on O'Brien with this as the main topic. Here is an excerpt of that article:

"Still, O'Brien hadn't considered himself an alcoholic. No one else did either; to the public, he was at the top of his game with nothing to complain about. The reality, he says, was much more of an internal struggle. "The thing about 'fame' is that we are people who love to be loved by strangers," O'Brien tells Oprah. "We can't get enough... You want more, more, more. The only number you have is 'more.'" This insatiable thirst for adoration becomes a void in which many celebrities find themselves lost, battling against unhappiness. As O'Brien sees it, there are far more unhappy stars than happy. "I can name, out of all of them, 10 really happy ones," he says.

Truly happy people are hard to come by. In fact, let's be realistic here. How many truly happy people do you know? Are you truly happy? 

Be real with yourself. 

Heck, I'm not asking you to comment here. I'm asking you to recognize whether or not you are truly happy. 

Whatever your answer is. Most people simply aren't truly happy. I learned this the hard way. Even those of you who claim you are. Are merely lying to yourselves. 

Don't rush away yet. 

Hear me out fully.

You see, growing up I was in an abusive home. Mentally and physically being abused from the time I was four till I left home around the age of 15 for the first time. I'd come back not more than a year later up until I was 17, but this should allow you to see a bit more about me, While giving you a little more background as to why I've come to be who I am. 

I was always told. "You aren't shit. No-one loves you. I found you in a trash can cause even your parents didn't want you." 

When mom was in a good mood she would apologize and say she said it in anger. 

Oh, the mental toll it took on me. 

I grew cold inside. But didn't even realize it until many moons later. What I did know was I wasn't accepting what she said. I was going to prove her wrong! I was going to show her that I could do it. 

I loved myself... 

            And that's all I needed!

For many years, I did just that. Did it so well she often counted on me to help her pay her bills. She often counted on me to help her out when she needed it. And I had no problem doing it. In fact, I think I took pride in helping her because it "showed her". 

Oh, the walking disaster I was. 

I was a complete disaster waiting to happen. The fact that I can say this now is amazing. And it's truly an act of God Almighty. 

You see, money became a motivator. The more money I made. The more people wanted to be around me. The more people wanted to know what I thought. The more that they appreciated my presence and my output. Thing is, as I previously stated. When that money was no longer there. All these people (who so-called loved me) no longer loved me. 

They treated me like I was the plague. Many never paid me back for borrowed money and would talk bad about me today as if I the shoe was on the opposite foot. Those who helped me -and I can't payback- wouldn't ever. 
It's weird how that works.

So here it is, I was extremely successful in terms of making money in my early 20s. On into my early 30s. Then illness from being an agent orange baby began to steadily take control of my life. Not to mention there was this hidden hand sabotaging everything that inevitably made me lose all the control I'd once had.

This is why I say everyone needs love. I am just like everyone else. Yes, I am just like you. Whether or not you believe it to be true. You may be one of those people who have everything in order. You strive for success daily and achieve those goals at an exponential rate. 

Despite this great quality you have. You still are looking for something. 

You can have all the money in the world. You can vacation when you want. You can donate thousands to charity. 

People know you from this level of success everywhere you go, But let's keep it real, You still go out and search for something. Whether or not that something is a new market for a new product to generate a new asset, a yacht to celebrate your achievements on, or a girlfriend/wife.

You are searching for something.

Well, for me, I soon realized it was love I'd been looking for the whole time. And how I found that love is out of this world, truly amazing, and a driving force today.

Before I conclude, let me introduce one more topic into the mix. Let me just start by saying, Is it true or false when its stated: "no one can love you more than you can love yourself?" Without knowing your answer. I'm giving you mine. self-love is overrated and truly misunderstood because it doesn't come from yourself. 

Let me prove it. 

You ever heard of affirmations?

Definition of affirmation: af·firm·a·tions

affirmations (plural noun)

the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed:

"he nodded in affirmation" · 

[more]

Affirmations are the action or process of affirming something or being affirmed. So, for me, the need for love would've been affirmed the moment I created a blog titled "Carmen's loved". I was publicly affirming that I was loved. There wasn't a need for it to be shown outwardly by others because I naturally believed it to be so. There are many ways to put affirmations to work for oneself. 

Many people tend to say.

 1. A am beautiful.

2. I am grateful for the people I have in my life.

3. My life is full of potential.

And the list goes on. In fact, there's a list of 102 powerful affirmations you could easily employ that the Berkely well-being institute shares online.  But before you run and jump on that bandwagon. Let me share this last nugget of insight as to "who I am" with ya. 

You see, when everyone abandoned me because my health got bad and I couldn't produce the money they enjoyed the fruit of. I felt a sense of failure. Money shaped everything. And no affirmation in the world could've consoled me. And although, it was love that I'd truly wanted. I still didn't recognize this as the problem. 

All the affirmations over the years resulted in failures. So how well do those really work? After all, if you aren't happy with your current situation and you do positive affirmations to cover that unhappiness, and change the negative feeling into a positive one, aren't you masking the problem and not fixing it?

Now remember, I wasn't always unhappy. In fact, I was successful. I loved my life. I loved the people in my life too. I'd not spent my days sulking. In fact, I took vacations, donated my time, and really enjoyed life.

This didn't come from affirmations. This came from a goal. I was going to prove mom wrong. I was loved. I was wanted. I was going to amount to something. And I was going to prove her wrong whatever it took. When that goal of mine shifted. My whole mentality shifted. And the buried feelings embedded into my subconcious mind began to resurface. This is something we all deal with. It's inevitable. We live in a fallen world. 

The conscious mind can not understand the subconscious mind without the two becoming one -which is a whole nother topic for a whole nother day. But that can't be done without the saving grace of Jesus Christ. Who came to make of the twain one new man so making peace (Ephesians 2:15).

It's this part of myself that's being shared with you today that's the basis of who I am and its foundation didn't come from affirmations. Instead, it come from knowing Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour. 

You see, it is written in Psalm 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the Lord will take care of me. 

At the point in life where everyone had left me to die alone. I had no one to turn to. I had no one to lean on. The fact that I needed someone was still there though. And that's when I really started to employ the faith I expressed I'd had many years before.

 

To my surprise. I not only felt HIS presence. I felt HIS peace. He walked with me. He talked to me. He helped me grow in more ways than one. And HE restored my soul with a love this world can't offer. There is no amount of self-love or love from another than can amount to the love one receives from Jesus Christ. 

I get it. 

Many of you may be thinking this is insane! 

Heck, I've heard many people online say, "Your fairy sky-daddy" which tells me they believe it's all a fairy tale. 

In fact, many who claim to be open minded probably dropped out reading this a few paragraphs back. Simply because they can't and won't consider anything that suggests God is real and we need a savior because they simply have never felt love the way they need.  In a fallen world where people need a savior love doesn't exist without him. Parents betray children. Children betray parents. Brothers and sisters turn on one another. People abuse other people mentally and physically. Husbands and wife's hate each other in less than five years. It's a vicious cycle that appears to be getting worse daily in all walks of life. 

Just look around. Celebrities lose their minds and self-indulgence in drugs to cope is a norm in Hollywood. The same goes for normal everyday households. Many people are turning to suicide to end the inner turmoil that comes from a lack of love.  

Well, I want to challenge you. Because that's part of who I am. I'm someone who has learned not to take things at face value. It's just like the American dollar. You have one dollar. You think you got 1 dollar. Problem is. According to Kimberly Amadeo, "The value of a dollar in 1913 had the buying power of 26$." That's no longer the case! Inflation rates has truly changed the value of the dollar. My point is to help you understand the fundamentals. You see, if you don't know the true value of a dollar you could set yourself up for failure. 

How? Glad ya asked.

Let's say you decide I want to make a half a million dollars. Years ago that would've allowed you to retire early and live a cushy life. Whereas nowadays that doesn't leave you much room to do much of anything comfortably. I know a man who spent that in less than a year even though that's all he had! 

This very thing applies to our need for love. Your inner child is looking for that endless, unconditional, and supportive love. Even if you don't recognize it. It is. Deep down inside each and everyone of us is a need to feel accepted, a need to feel the acceptance, so we can know that we are loved and this is because we live in a fallen world. 

There's a song named "Found" that says, "I once was lost but now I'm found". In that song is a profession of faith. The basis of that faith lies in knowing "I once was lost".

You don't have to be on the bottom like I was. You could be reading this sitting in your Ferrari 250 GTO waiting on your mom to go to dinner. Whatever your position doesn't matter. Because I know one things for sure. It's a trait we all have as humans. 

           You are looking for something. 

I happen to know that, that something so happens to be love. It is written, in 1 John 4:16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

You can love your job and love that money your job provides but what you truly want is a love that you once knew because you stood in the presence of love. 

You don't need to believe me. Simply ask HIM to show you. If you seek with your whole heart, you will find HIM. In fact, I'm pretty sure, HE is with you now. 

Hey, I love you. But Jesus loves you more and I just thought I'd share this with you today.